1.How to Train a Husband
Attention, frustrated wives: if you want your husband to start listening to you and stop leaving his socks on the floor, all you need is a little patience and a lot of mackerel. Such is the putative relationship advice of Amy Sutherland, a journalist who spent a year at an animal-trainer school and decided to apply the trainers' techniques to her husband's annoying habits. According to Sutherland, the key to marital bliss is to ignore negative habits and reward positive ones, the same approach animal trainers use to get killer whales to leap from their tanks and elephants to stand on their heads. So to teach her husband, Scott, to stop storming around the house when he couldn't find his keys, she practiced what trainers call Least Reinforcing Scenario, which means she ignored his outbursts, and didn't offer to help with the search. To prevent Scott from hovering over her while she tried to cook, she engineered "incompatible behaviors" by setting a bowl of chips and salsa at the other end of the room. Soon she had a key-finding, salsa-eating mate and, she says, a happier marriage.
Sutherland first wrote about her experiment in The New York Times in 2006, where it became the most e-mailed story of the year. This week her book, "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage," comes out, and a movie is in development. Sutherland admits that her ideas are not groundbreaking: in the 1890s Ivan Pavlov experimented with dogs to study stimulus and response. In the 1930s, B. F. Skinner used rats and pigeons to develop his theory of "operant behaviors," the idea that behavior is affected by its consequences. That doesn't mean the strategy is not controversial: critics bristle at the idea that humans are as easily manipulated as dogs or marine mammals, and contend that books such as Sutherland's reinforce war-of-the-sexes stereotypes about women using their feminine wiles to manipulate simple-minded men.
The idea of women training simple men is a well-worn trope of pop culture. In the 1963 film "If a Man Answers," Sandra Dee's mother hands her a canine-training manual with the advice "If you want a perfect marriage, treat your husband like a dog." More recently, the BBC reality show "Bring Your Husband to Heel" featured a professional dog trainer teaching wives how to get their husbands to sit and stay.
While Sutherland claims that animal-training techniques work on both genders, in another new book, "Seducing the Boys Club," Nina DiSesa advocates a gender-specific approach to changing people's behavior. DiSesa, who was the first female chairman of the ad agency McCann Erickson, argues that women should use their femininity to manipulate the men they work with and advance their careers. Instead of criticizing an employee's ad proposal, she flatters him for his "brilliant" idea, then sweetly asks if he had any other inspirations. "Women use these tactics with men all the time," she says. "We're mothers, wives, girlfriends, sisters. We know how to handle men, we just don't do it at work."
While DiSesa's tactics may appall feminists, the appeal of Sutherland's approach is obvious: no tearful couples-therapy sessions, no tantrums about unmet expectations. But Sutherland says it's not a quick fix. In fact, she was the one who wound up being retrained, as she taught herself not to take her husband's actions personally, and not to react when he did things that annoyed her. DiSesa also says she retrained herself to stop criticizing and confronting the men she worked with, and instead use "S and M," seduction and manipulation, to get her way.
And, she says, we shouldn't admit to our manipulations. "If people think I'm being conniving, I am," she says. "But if men see it coming, they'll duck." Sutherland's husband eventually caught on to her experiment (it didn't help that she wrote a book about the animal-trainer school), and even started using the techniques back on her. Now they use the word "shamu" as a verb, as in "Did you just shamu me?"
Shamuing might work to get your husband to stop leaving his socks on the bathroom floor, says psychotherapist Marlin Potash, author of "Hidden Agendas: What's Really Going On in Your Relationships." "In small doses, it's really a good idea," she says. But she's skeptical of the idea that the technique will work with real marital problems such as lack of communication or sexual incompatibility: "I don't really believe that changing these small behaviors is how one transforms a marriage." Sutherland makes no claims to be a relationship expert. And she's not opposed to therapy, although she says, judging from the enthusiastic response to her essay, "Psychologists might want to consider bringing more animals into the mix."
Sit, Beg, Roll Over, Stay
Animal trainers use lots of tricks to train their charges. Try the techniques below at home.
- Reward positive behavior: If your mate picks up just one dirty sock without being asked, give lots of praise. Or a tasty fish.
- Ignore negatives: Don ' t nag about the rest of the filthy laundry still piled on the floor. Trainers call this Least Reinforcing Scenario.
- Don ' t take it personally: Laundry is just laundry, not a symbol for how much your spouse loves you or values your marriage.
Nothing kills passion more than a pair of socks that won’t budge. Our correspondent has a Valentine’s guide for girls undressing guys, and guys undressing themselves
Undressing a man has always been challenging, not just for the poor lads themselves but for women. Unless he starts stripping off like one of the Chippendales (a dubious choice), he is left with only one technique. And this utilitarian, kit-off-as-fast-as-you-can-by-candle-light option creates the danger of a passion-dampening trouser-waddle, or even a stumble and collapse.
Understandably, the poor, eager loves have trouble unbuttoning with any panache as they approach the height of passion. So, as Valentine’s Day nears, here are a few tips for the undressing man – or the lucky woman undressing him.
I’ll begin with my favourite attire: black-tie. As a formalist, I approve of its architectural lines (white-tie is even better) – a well-cut suit can create an erotic silhouette from the most challenging of physiques. It is the zenith of power dressing, and dead sexy when worn with just a tinge of irony. The personification of this is Daniel Craig in Casino Royale – rough trade wrapped up in Savile Row, with an incredulous gleam in his eye.
So, after a long night of hobnobbing with CEOs over a three-course banquet, then rolling out of the BMW with wife/girlfriend/recently seduced PA in tow, our boy in black-tie finds himself feeling about as sexy as an overfed king penguin in a circus ring. An immediate easing of the circumference is required.
For the male undressing himself, I suggest first a subtle unbuttoning of the jacket. Then, with a blasé shrug of the shoulders, slip off the jacket and throw it on a well-placed chair, even though it may well be an expensive suit. This suggests that, despite your stitched-up appearance, you are capable of wild abandonment.
(Note to fastidious men: there is nothing less sexy than a lover fussing over his creased lapels while his partner, draped over the bed, is left contemplating her pedicure.)
For the woman undressing the man: after unbuttoning the jacket, stand behind your partner and, with both hands grasping the lapels (indicating that you are at the wheel now), ease off the jacket and drape it carefully over the nearest ottoman while still nibbling his left ear.
The next thing to come off is the tie. Personally, I love ties. A man in a suit and tie is like a surprise present with a ribbon around it. And what girl doesn’t love surprises?
Of course, whether one is undressing or undresser, it is compulsory to be practised in undoing the knot, so the act can be choreographed into a lingering caress of silk against starched cotton. The secret is to look confident and maintain eye contact, thus distracting attention from your fumbling fingers.
If the fumbling goes on for too long with no result, the best option is the lowered-knot technique. For the woman doing the undressing, this will involve giving him a smouldering look while creating sufficient slack before the knot turns into an impenetrable lump, then looping the tie over his head. If you get really desperate, just resort to nail scissors.
For the urbane male undressing himself, a quick yank on the offending accessory can be quite sexy, indicating a bullish impatience to cut to the chase.
Thankfully, bow ties are less challenging and, tied correctly, should not present like little silk Rubik’s cubes. Some versions (admittedly less desirable) even have hooks and eyes. Women take note: the top button should be undone at the same time as the tie, releasing the Adam’s apple and the lower octave.
By now our rapidly sobering hero stands resplendent in cummerbund (possibly), shirt, socks and trousers. The cummerbund comes off next. Here he should breathe in, rip off the garment and allow it to slip teasingly to the floor. Do not pick it up or slide it under the bed with your foot.
If you are the female in this scenario, I suggest an embrace around the girth. Using this as an alibi, unhook the cummerbund from behind. The rotund will love you for it, the svelte will see it as homage to their athleticism – and it places you in a great position for the next stage: unbuttoning the shirt.
Black-tie involves three shirt studs with a couple of buttons above and below. Here our semi-clad hero manfully and swiftly undoes the studs (hesitation could be seen as stage fright).
Alternatively, with the top button already undone, our girl could always slide down the torso to remove the three shirt studs with her mouth. However, as these can be set with diamonds, the traditional route is probably safer if you don’t want to end up in the Royal Brompton, awaiting an X-ray.
Shirt off, our gallant of the trading floor now stands bare-chested in trousers, shoes and socks.
Shoes come off next, ladies. To avoid kneeling, I suggest wrapping a leg around his and easing off the shoes with your foot. This is possible because, earlier that evening and at the risk of appearing continental, our strategic rake donned laceless shoes. If you are the man, slip off each shoe deftly by using your toes.
Now, at last, we arrive at the moment when even the most alluring disrobing can collapse into a mise en scène with all the seductive oomph of a Topman changing room at sale time. Yes, it’s how, artfully, to remove the socks before the trousers. This is vital. Fail, and you are both confronted with sock against denuded leg. Passion dies.
One recommended method developed by my better half is this: after quickly unzipping (gentlemen please note: labouring over the fly will make you look coy, narcissistic or merely perverse), hook your thumbs into the waistband of your trousers and, with one smooth motion, pull them off. Hook your socks on the way down. This may be slightly inelegant, but it works.
As we approach full disclosure, let me digress on the subject of the lower undergarment. A discerning gay friend of mine is completely convinced that no gay man ever wears boxer shorts. On the other hand, he says, if I am ever faced with a disrobing man who reveals a pair of conventional briefs, I should assume automatically that he is gay.
As it happens, I disagree. What with the emergence of the metrosexual, the postmetrosexual and the current recession, there is a new defiance in the heterosexual community when it comes to advertising the family jewels. And why not? After all, the Tudors wore massive codpieces.
No matter how confident about his tackle a man is, though – even if he is David Beckham – I strongly suggest that boxers, briefs, G-strings and loincloths should all be whipped off with the socks.
And now, I believe, our hero is au naturel and ready for action. Happy Valentine’s.
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